I Feel It All

"The truth lied..."

There are more important things in life.
More important than what I see around me.

I hate your selfishness.
Your shallow heart.
Your empty eyes.


A man that I loved very much has been taken out of this world. He was the most caring and loving person I knew. He was eccentric and a little crazy. Full of laughter and stories.

He would give you the shirt off his back if you had none of your own.

My heart aches with the love he had for people. I miss him greatly. It's hard to find comfort.



The very last time I saw my Uncle alive he told me that he was listening to Feist. I will never listen to the album The Reminder the same again. My heart will always ache.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wdTUvfOcG8c

depressedanorexicpatheticrobot

Today has inevitably been the worst day of my life....

The Ocean

[Streams of conscious living thoughts]

'The ocean that is my heart; the tidal waves are in reverse.'

((Ecclesiastes 3:18))

On the last night of February I broke down on the bathroom floor. Spilling my heart and soul out in the form of tears. I finally seem to have found that crack of light, that small crevice of an opening in the wall that has been built up between me and God.

I have been dying a slow and painful spiritual death over the course of the last few months. The shadows, they surround me; isolate me from my calling, from who I am meant to be. By slowly allowing untruths to creep into my life they began to multiply and consume me.

For the first time in my life, I began to doubt God's very existence. I scoffed and mocked those who had faith and Christianity became cheesy and foolish. Last night I stumbled upon some old letters I had written back and forth between a friend. They made my heart swell for the first time in a long time. A steady flow of tears thus ensued. I seemed to have so much faith back then, so much love, so much truth and understanding. I feel as though I am 50 steps backwards in my "walk." I am miles from that kind of faith at the moment. I yearn for it.

Long ago God told me that this would happen. That over the course of the next two or three years many christians I knew would fall away. I didn't realize at the time that I would be one of them. I have fallen. BUT, I am sifting through this darkness.

I want to continually pour out my heart. My frustrations are overwhelming and I hate who I am today, but it will change, HE will change me. I know that I know that I know that I know. Finally. I am comforted in these things.

"the sun will be darkened and the moon will not give its light; the stars will fall from the sky and the heavenly bodies will be shaken." Matthew 24:29

It's going to be a slow process, but I believe.

I want simplicity. I want the quiet calm. I want to feel love and warmth and hear the laughter of my children. Someday...this too shall pass.

"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh."

This is my prayer.

Cardinal Red

The birds are sleeping.

Grass is hidden.

Sky, clouded.

I want spring to come...just to smell the fresh scent of air and dance with the flowers.

June 2005

An excerpt from something I wrote a long, long time ago.

"I don't want to breathe anymore; it's hard from here.

I can't be sincere anymore; I am breaking all away.

If only I were stronger.

If only love would last longer than what we all think it should be.

I don't want to be here anymore, I've found the cure.

I don't want to be here anymore, I want to break away."

.depressssssionn culminated....

Condensation

Condensing my thoughts, feelings, emotions, words.

It was a bad decision on my part.

Today I will learn from my mistakes.

No Talk, Sleep Walk

I'm sleep walking these days.

This haze.

Outrage.

I'm fumbling my words.

Who heard?

Absurd.

The kettle is steaming, screaming, wheezing...

my name.

I am.

You are.

This is.

I write in obscurities because I do not understand my own thoughts.

Vague, passive, fading.

I hold my tongue; as do you. Who will speak first?

I will...I am shouting...shouting at the skies but there is no echo in reply.

Waiting for the infection to take over.

Sitting in silence my head is surrounded by thousands of loud voices, noises. I am running. Running far and fast and yet I am at a standstill.

I'm sleepwalking.