christmas time

I remember those days and nights quite clearly. I was transfixed on a figure, content. Without knowing how the cards would play out, I blissfully and ignorantly lived out my days. Simple, subtle, solitude.

Days of yore, quite unchanging. Until now. This is the now. This is the then. my Thoughts have escaped me. at a loss for words. i feel foolish and uneducated. dumb. have i succumb to the masses? i know not. i just am.

they, with their passionate mouths and flowing words, say i should be this way or that. the future is uncertain, but i need to make certain that I certainly have a plan. which course of action to take, i know not. i just am.

lingering tides of emotions sweep over my body, like a broom to the dusty dirty floor. i have too many things to say and not enough words to say them. timetimetimetime is not on my side. afterall, it is only relative.

'do you remember, my lovely, how i charmed my way into your life? how i faked my happy smiles and joyous eyes?' you say this to me without opening your mouth. i know how it is, what it's like.

there's a glitch in the system, although, i sometimes am not the most observant human, i can draw conclusions from your placid tone. i wish.....lingers on into eternity

this is the first time in a long time i feel slightly clear...my head is not so congested with noise as to be able to write down these words sans paper and pen. i know now, i just am.

and i love, i love, i love. that's all i can do. it's what i'm best at. please, just....i wish...

The City

faded light, the city stretches out before you.
nobody's around.

empty streets and quiet pavement.
the city's got you down.

educate.

i have learned a lot about love and life and most other cliches.


tob e con tinued...

Lost In Your Head

.youare the dream i hold inside
.open thedoor and SEE the LIGHT

Unspoken words and sullen eyes I hide behind.

'I'm lostinmyhead, lostinmyhead; all thoughts are dead.

Do you believe inthings UNSEEN>?
.flipping thepages of your book.
.dogear the page and then you look up to thesky and realize that time.s gone by

you're lost in YOUR HEAD, lost in YOUR HEAD; the things you read.

(it's all a dream, things UNSEEN.)

Yellow

You give me fever.

Why does love always seem to blossom in the springtime?

It is what it is.

I let my words flow like wine.
The snow slowly melts and runs
down my boots as liquid cold.
I grow tired of this frigid air.
"Welcome to Minnesota"
Somber, overcast clouds.
A dull, grey morning.

Someday soon the sun will warm
my hands again.

The Last Day of February

Cascading beams of light which seem
to linger on to eternity.

Day is dark and night is bright.
Cascading beams of starry
dreams.

February

"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers."

1 John 3:16

Sleep to Dream

Randomly stumbled upon something I wrote this previous summer of 2010. It is incredible to see how much I've changed and how far I've come since then.

"I’ve always been a nostalgic being and looking back at the person I used to be and the person I’ve become depresses me. At first I thought it was invigorating, no, empowering to live this way and I took great pleasure in not being able to feel anything at all. No compassion, no empathy, no guilt. It was great. But that faded with time and I am having my eyes opened to tiny slivers of truth. I am completely empty inside and I would only be fooling myself if I proclaimed that there is no God. Because there is and He has been keeping me from destroying myself completely.

The past few weeks have felt torturous physically, mentally and emotionally. Looking at the circumstances, I would never in my right mind do most of this. It was as if it was happening against my will. I mean, why would I torture myself in such ways? Why would I inflict suffering and pain upon my physical well being? I have been left drifting in the vast in-between.
Having been secluded from the majority of the outside world for the past four days, my eyes and mind have developed some sort of clarity. I am beginning to get a clue as to what the missing puzzle pieces are.

I have been living for my own selfish gain and satisfactions. Fancying my every whim and desire. And I am drowning, sinking, dying. I am a dry desert on the inside. Something has been stifling my creativity. I felt like I couldn’t think logically anymore, couldn’t analyze, couldn’t write, couldn’t sing. Suffocating slowly with my skin numb to the danger.

The only problem is that I don’t know what the heck I should do now. Do I stay in Minneapolis? Do I continue with my schooling? Do I continue to disregard the conflict in my heart?

No. I must do something.

What I want to do, desire with my innermost being, yearn for, burn for, is to pack up all of my things and leave town. Start over.
This sounds like the stupidest thing I could do; the easy way out, but it most certainly would not be easy for me to do. I would be completely out of my comfort zone.

The thing of it is I would be leaving so much behind. My home, family, friends…the things that matter most to me. I’m scared.

I’ve also managed to become an insomniac. Completely out of character.
It’s all just an act and I am growing tired of pretending.



What does one do when they are faced with some of the hardest decisions of their life?

Sleep. To. Dream."

2011

"Trust in me and do not be afraid of what others can do to you."

Psalm 56:11

My verse for the year.



in many ways, it's quite terrifying.