Sleep to Dream

Randomly stumbled upon something I wrote this previous summer of 2010. It is incredible to see how much I've changed and how far I've come since then.

"I’ve always been a nostalgic being and looking back at the person I used to be and the person I’ve become depresses me. At first I thought it was invigorating, no, empowering to live this way and I took great pleasure in not being able to feel anything at all. No compassion, no empathy, no guilt. It was great. But that faded with time and I am having my eyes opened to tiny slivers of truth. I am completely empty inside and I would only be fooling myself if I proclaimed that there is no God. Because there is and He has been keeping me from destroying myself completely.

The past few weeks have felt torturous physically, mentally and emotionally. Looking at the circumstances, I would never in my right mind do most of this. It was as if it was happening against my will. I mean, why would I torture myself in such ways? Why would I inflict suffering and pain upon my physical well being? I have been left drifting in the vast in-between.
Having been secluded from the majority of the outside world for the past four days, my eyes and mind have developed some sort of clarity. I am beginning to get a clue as to what the missing puzzle pieces are.

I have been living for my own selfish gain and satisfactions. Fancying my every whim and desire. And I am drowning, sinking, dying. I am a dry desert on the inside. Something has been stifling my creativity. I felt like I couldn’t think logically anymore, couldn’t analyze, couldn’t write, couldn’t sing. Suffocating slowly with my skin numb to the danger.

The only problem is that I don’t know what the heck I should do now. Do I stay in Minneapolis? Do I continue with my schooling? Do I continue to disregard the conflict in my heart?

No. I must do something.

What I want to do, desire with my innermost being, yearn for, burn for, is to pack up all of my things and leave town. Start over.
This sounds like the stupidest thing I could do; the easy way out, but it most certainly would not be easy for me to do. I would be completely out of my comfort zone.

The thing of it is I would be leaving so much behind. My home, family, friends…the things that matter most to me. I’m scared.

I’ve also managed to become an insomniac. Completely out of character.
It’s all just an act and I am growing tired of pretending.



What does one do when they are faced with some of the hardest decisions of their life?

Sleep. To. Dream."

2011

"Trust in me and do not be afraid of what others can do to you."

Psalm 56:11

My verse for the year.



in many ways, it's quite terrifying.