Out with the old...

2010 is in my rearview mirror as I am approaching the dark and vague unknowns of 2011.
There is this queer sensation of life flowing through my veins, beating in my chest.

The reigning quote in my life has been and will continue to be:
"It is going to be a very good year."

So. Be. It.

Palpitations

In sooth I beseechingly inquire of you,

"a quoi bon contempler la terre et sa beauté?"

Viens avec moi.

L'amour est un plus doux mystère qu'un jour d'été.



Sustain me, mon chéri, you do, with these fleeting moments.
I breathe in and breathe out, arms stretched wide across the open skies; likened with angels above.

So it begins.

Thoughtless(full)

It seems as though I have little time to write down my thoughts,
apart from trivial social networks such as Facebook and Twitter.

These days I am trying keep a positive perspective on life, which can be exceptionally difficult.
I find that most folks this day and age are all about fast pace living, selfish ambitions, and are full of negative vibes.

I do not dig it. It's not my thing.
Though, I admit I've been known to complain a time or two.
But, because of God's grace my life is going in a completely different direction.


My heart has so many reasons to be full of thanksgiving.

Psalm 107:1

For the Love of God

"Whoever does not love does not know God because God is love."

1 John 4:8


You are speaking to my heart. Change is here.

8.5.10.

Are you fighting your inhibitions?
Are you willing to make a change?
Can you realize your own submissions drag you down, down to the dirt?

Subscribe to reality lost in transition.
Admit to the lies and the grief.
Expect to get up off the dusty ground and walk through the door to rebirth.

You're out of control.

Get Back

...to where you once belonged.

how strange. that in one instant, everything changes.

somethings snaps.

I was on top of the world, but now that world disintegrates between my finger tips.



Seeing red again.

It's the worst feeling I've ever known.


I wish I knew how to make/keep friends. .......

Dark Center

I think I might disintegrate.

It won't be so bad. Better than walking through this dim lit tunnel that leads to no where.

"I'm pretty damn sure that anyone can equally, easily fuck you over."

What the hell is going on.

Last Day of May

I think I am a worthwhile human being. Deserving. Loving.

What's so wrong with that?

ramblings.

songs we use to sing
things we use to say
hands we use to hold
grief we use to bring.

"I may talk in my sleep tonight because I don't know what I am."

good night. and farewell.

Haze

I really want a clove cigarette right now.

rest.

Something in my life has caused me to sink into depression.

I don't quite know what it is.

Lately, God has been more real to me than in the past year.

I have a heavy heart......

------------------------------------------------------------------

I cannot find contentment.

I am weary.

Laden with burdens.

But, Lord...you said you'd take it all.

Pray you,

GIVE. ME. REST.

You are...

...in the past
...a jerk
...an idiot
...unoriginal
...unreliable.

I feel a little better.

I Feel It All

"The truth lied..."

There are more important things in life.
More important than what I see around me.

I hate your selfishness.
Your shallow heart.
Your empty eyes.


A man that I loved very much has been taken out of this world. He was the most caring and loving person I knew. He was eccentric and a little crazy. Full of laughter and stories.

He would give you the shirt off his back if you had none of your own.

My heart aches with the love he had for people. I miss him greatly. It's hard to find comfort.



The very last time I saw my Uncle alive he told me that he was listening to Feist. I will never listen to the album The Reminder the same again. My heart will always ache.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wdTUvfOcG8c

depressedanorexicpatheticrobot

Today has inevitably been the worst day of my life....

The Ocean

[Streams of conscious living thoughts]

'The ocean that is my heart; the tidal waves are in reverse.'

((Ecclesiastes 3:18))

On the last night of February I broke down on the bathroom floor. Spilling my heart and soul out in the form of tears. I finally seem to have found that crack of light, that small crevice of an opening in the wall that has been built up between me and God.

I have been dying a slow and painful spiritual death over the course of the last few months. The shadows, they surround me; isolate me from my calling, from who I am meant to be. By slowly allowing untruths to creep into my life they began to multiply and consume me.

For the first time in my life, I began to doubt God's very existence. I scoffed and mocked those who had faith and Christianity became cheesy and foolish. Last night I stumbled upon some old letters I had written back and forth between a friend. They made my heart swell for the first time in a long time. A steady flow of tears thus ensued. I seemed to have so much faith back then, so much love, so much truth and understanding. I feel as though I am 50 steps backwards in my "walk." I am miles from that kind of faith at the moment. I yearn for it.

Long ago God told me that this would happen. That over the course of the next two or three years many christians I knew would fall away. I didn't realize at the time that I would be one of them. I have fallen. BUT, I am sifting through this darkness.

I want to continually pour out my heart. My frustrations are overwhelming and I hate who I am today, but it will change, HE will change me. I know that I know that I know that I know. Finally. I am comforted in these things.

"the sun will be darkened and the moon will not give its light; the stars will fall from the sky and the heavenly bodies will be shaken." Matthew 24:29

It's going to be a slow process, but I believe.

I want simplicity. I want the quiet calm. I want to feel love and warmth and hear the laughter of my children. Someday...this too shall pass.

"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh."

This is my prayer.

Cardinal Red

The birds are sleeping.

Grass is hidden.

Sky, clouded.

I want spring to come...just to smell the fresh scent of air and dance with the flowers.

June 2005

An excerpt from something I wrote a long, long time ago.

"I don't want to breathe anymore; it's hard from here.

I can't be sincere anymore; I am breaking all away.

If only I were stronger.

If only love would last longer than what we all think it should be.

I don't want to be here anymore, I've found the cure.

I don't want to be here anymore, I want to break away."

.depressssssionn culminated....

Condensation

Condensing my thoughts, feelings, emotions, words.

It was a bad decision on my part.

Today I will learn from my mistakes.