The Ocean

[Streams of conscious living thoughts]

'The ocean that is my heart; the tidal waves are in reverse.'

((Ecclesiastes 3:18))

On the last night of February I broke down on the bathroom floor. Spilling my heart and soul out in the form of tears. I finally seem to have found that crack of light, that small crevice of an opening in the wall that has been built up between me and God.

I have been dying a slow and painful spiritual death over the course of the last few months. The shadows, they surround me; isolate me from my calling, from who I am meant to be. By slowly allowing untruths to creep into my life they began to multiply and consume me.

For the first time in my life, I began to doubt God's very existence. I scoffed and mocked those who had faith and Christianity became cheesy and foolish. Last night I stumbled upon some old letters I had written back and forth between a friend. They made my heart swell for the first time in a long time. A steady flow of tears thus ensued. I seemed to have so much faith back then, so much love, so much truth and understanding. I feel as though I am 50 steps backwards in my "walk." I am miles from that kind of faith at the moment. I yearn for it.

Long ago God told me that this would happen. That over the course of the next two or three years many christians I knew would fall away. I didn't realize at the time that I would be one of them. I have fallen. BUT, I am sifting through this darkness.

I want to continually pour out my heart. My frustrations are overwhelming and I hate who I am today, but it will change, HE will change me. I know that I know that I know that I know. Finally. I am comforted in these things.

"the sun will be darkened and the moon will not give its light; the stars will fall from the sky and the heavenly bodies will be shaken." Matthew 24:29

It's going to be a slow process, but I believe.

I want simplicity. I want the quiet calm. I want to feel love and warmth and hear the laughter of my children. Someday...this too shall pass.

"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh."

This is my prayer.