No Talk, Sleep Walk

I'm sleep walking these days.

This haze.

Outrage.

I'm fumbling my words.

Who heard?

Absurd.

The kettle is steaming, screaming, wheezing...

my name.

I am.

You are.

This is.

I write in obscurities because I do not understand my own thoughts.

Vague, passive, fading.

I hold my tongue; as do you. Who will speak first?

I will...I am shouting...shouting at the skies but there is no echo in reply.

Waiting for the infection to take over.

Sitting in silence my head is surrounded by thousands of loud voices, noises. I am running. Running far and fast and yet I am at a standstill.

I'm sleepwalking.

The Men In My Life

Clairty

The heart is misleading, deceptive...

I've let my heart mess with my head.

I have been confused for far too long.

But, tonight clarity has hit me.

I fear that I am too late and the damage has been done.

What do I do?

I miss so many things. So many beautiful wonderful things.

I'm ready for this now. I wasn't before.

But...is it too late?

Is it?

InsideOut

"See, O Lord, how distressed I am!

I am in torment within,

and in my heart I am disturbed,

for I have been most rebellious.

Outside, the sword bereaves;

inside, there is only death.

People have heard my groaning,

but there is no one to comfort me.

All my enemies have heard of my

distress;

they rejoice at what you have done.

May you bring the day you have announced

so they may become like me.

Let all their wickedness come before you;

deal with them as you have dealt with me

because of all my sins.

My groans are many and my heart is faint."

---Lamentations 1:20-22

Amen...[So Be It]

Complications

People...

why do humans act in ways that hurt others?

what has happened to peace, love and understanding?

Am I missing something here?

Friends are supposed to keep each other accountable:

love,

accept,

trust,

believe.

My heavy heart is resting in His hands. It should not matter what the world thinks, what should matter is what He thinks.

He loves,

accepts,

trusts,

believes

in me.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11: 28-30

Christ fills me with peace.

I am in awe.

New Light of Tomorrow

Sunshine.

Laughter.

Joy.

Happiness.

Christ.

Love.

Peace.

Flowers.

He is working on my heart.

The joy of the Lord is my strength and stronghold.

Praise God.

Nothingness

whooooosh

goes the breeze

cruuuuunch

go the leaves

as they fall from the tops of the trees

i've made my home in the silhouette of a dying art-form.

laughter no longer shrill, but muffled and still.

my heart is on hold. for what you ask?

i know not.

go to HIM. for the answer, for the plot.

screeeeeeeeeeech

the cars come to a halt

boommboom,boomboom

the thudding of my heart

my vital signs indicate that my heart is still beating

i am still breathing

alive.

so, why do I feel like I'm dead?

surely, this is not what death is like.

i'm just trapped....trapped in this prison of a body.

flesh and bones

blood and sweat and tears

oh, that he may shine through the cracks and brokenness

God, may you fill me up as I pour you out.

for i am just an empty shell with out you.

apart from you, I am nothing.

Empty

It is catching up with me, this game I play.

Every endless night, every ceaseless day.

I am in love with this false sense of reality.

How it torments my inner most being

How I lay awake dreaming...

of what was and how it can never be again.

[tiring of trying and unnecessary dying]

Pull the veil over my heart

Lock the gate

Strip myself of emotions

For I can never let anyone in again.

I tire of weeping

Wasted teardrops

Raw and real, they are all that I allow myself to feel.

A dear friend once asked me if I believed in soulmates.

At one time I did, but now I'm not so sure.

I don't have much hope anymore.

As much as I wish it weren't so.

Please Lord, prove me wrong.

NineoneninE

i cease to insist - i am just trying to exist. establishment in question, i ponder in future thought. "this independence comes at a price," she says to herself. emancipated from past ties, but roped into new ones; something just doesn't seem right. her mind is transcended, her thoughts above it all, are racked with inquiries, but no one has an answer. ah, to be a bird, soaring high above the world below-to break out in flight is her desire. it is the only truth that she can recognize these days...

Change is in the air.

it is that unfamiliar,

bittersweet taste that rests upon my lips,

burns my lungs, eyes, throat.

my whole body aches with the echo of a new melody. i do not think i am in the right kFe#y...at least, not yet.

blood...
boiling,
racing,
stretching,
aching
through my veins.

i am filled with an over-abundance of
emotions,
feelings,
thoughts,
ideas.

change...
that dreaded word...

it is going to be good.

Overcast

these early days and long nights are catching up with me.
so soon, so very soon.

this waiting period has almost run it's course. i trust in Him alone. don't let it worry you.
simple. fairly simple it is.

the green of the leaves is radiating against a gray, dull sky.

today is exactly as i hoped it to be.

"she couldn't help but sing, she tired, but she couldn't help but sing."

wonder...bar

i don't know what it is.



it's a sabotage.

Lose yourself, but don't lose your mind.

are you for real?

Elsf-Lavaeoitnu

hate. this. i. hate. this. i. hate. this. i hate. this. hate. this.

goawaygoawaygoawaygoawaygoawaygoaway!

enough already...i am all ready for enough.

continuing cycle continues to continue to continue to continue to continue.

i just really want it to leave me...but i don't know how to chase it away.

i.have.a.foolish.heart.



whatiwantisforpeopletoseethatitisrealandnotfaketostopconfusingthetwoandassociatethemwiththeirproperplace.

everything rides on someone else and never us.
self-ish. me.

aWEFJ LKDFA;VKNA;ODFIBNA;LK;oaia;eoiaegjioe49839483eradbnlks;dfbngajbvfyfwiue4g!~!!!!

exclamationpoint!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!s

sometimesiwishididnnothaveANYfriends.

ihatethis.

please Lord, end the cycle now.

Desires

Live my life in a photograph.

Capture the purest moments.

Set them free.

Frozen memories are mine forever.

All I Need...

...is to hold his hand and look up at the stars.

QuesTions

I think I am going to get my lip pierced...

...
........

ME

Who am I?

Today I know not.

Some have said that my life is such a "great example."
Really? Why don't I feel that way?

I am such a sinner....I disgust myself.

My stomach has been aching for weeks now...I take that as a sign.
My own sins have caused for me to become physically ill.

Is it always this confusing?

TickTickTock

TIMEBOMB

Beck couldn't have said it any better.
That is what this is...a timebomb...soon to explode and shed it's fractured pieces into the heavens above.

My world...my own little world is about to become vulnerable and exposed.
I wish I had enough strength to hold onto it and keep it suspended in it's lovely bubble. But, it is far better for it to break. I need to wake up from this heavy sleep.

I am frightened...

THEM

What if I don't feel the same way they do about what is right or good?
I know that they have good intentions, but my heart just isn't in it with them.
I feel differently about how God wants me to do things. I am not meant to be like the rest of them...I have been set apart by Him.

Sometimes, though, I don't think they are working fully on His behalf.
They do what they know...what they have been taught.
The methods they use aren't for me. He has guided me in a different direction.

I know that they won't understand, but I hope God will grant them that with time.
I need to do this.

I am certain.

Frustrations.

It overwhelmed me today.
So, I went down to the river-

-down to the river to pray.

To shroud myself in the sounds of nature.

When I spoke aloud and shattered the silence it seemed out of place, I nearly scared myself.

It torments me today...
and I want to escape the vast darkness that envelops me.


But, that isn't up to me. It's not my decision to make.

I simply don't understand. I don't understand these things!!!

"You can't or you just won't??"
Kicking the dirt on the concrete pavement, I embrace the landscape surrounding me.

I go and sit by the rivers edge on a rock in the shade of an old oak tree.
The water slowly drifts up stream and creates such a calm sound as it passes beneath the bridge-and yet, I cannot bring myself to enjoy such things.
My heart is troubled.

I cry aloud to the Lord, give my plea, ask for forgiveness. If these things are not part of His will I pray that He takes them away from me...to make it less painful.

I hate doubting-but, how can I not?
I hate feeling alone-how can I not?

I let my spirit float down stream and pray it carries me away.

Red Shoes.

For my feet.
They are neat.

Sort of tall.
Made of pleather.

They can not withstand bad weather.


I have red shoes.

They are red.
I will put them in a box on my shelf to rest for the next 10 years.

What a waste of money.

Trust.

Not all things are possible with God.

There is one thing he cannot do, will not do, could never do.


God cannot lie...

and for this I am truly blessed.

His promises endure.



May I take this to heart.

Amazing. Grace.

That saved a wretch like me!!
I once was lost, but now am found.
Was blind, but now I see!



Praise God!


I need to have that kind of faith..every moment of every day.

mirror image.

turn away
light of day
it breaks it down for us to see.


but, i'm blinded for all eternity.
eternity as it seems.

'self-impressed by how well i can put myself down.'

'wolf am i-no, shadow i think is better because i'm not something more like the absence of something so shadow am i.'














i hate myself today. ..///////////////

numbers....

recently, whenever i have looked at the clock the numbers have been the same.
ex. 11:11, 12:12 ect...

it has been happening quite frequently...

for instance, this morning i woke up at 7:07

later today i found out that my vocal solo is scheduled for 10:10 am this wednesday.

weird...

differenceIn

towards.......


people..

thoughts..

ideas...

me..

life...

i don't know what to thin k today.

..............................//////..............i just want to sleep for the rest of forever....

kics dan ertri

sick of this.
i'm sick of this.
so sick of this.
sick
sick
sick
sick
sick
sick
sick
of
this
this
this
this
this.

To Do..

watch the sun disappear behind the darkened clouds

listen to the sounds of children

walk some distance

sigh in self-satisfaction

buy lunch

eat lunch

make music

make art

dream

refabricate my own reality

create some much needed chaos.

Three, thrice, tres

in my head, words flow to rhythms; so much to say, so much to say

lips fumble and stutter; so much to say, so much to say

nothing comes out; so much to say, so much to say

during the quietest hours of the night; good mourning; so much to dream, so much to dream

strike the chord and sing aloud

we three; in our hearts, in our minds, in our spirits

cannot break away; His plan is not one to be compromised.

things to smile about

once i dreamed i had a heart of gold.

Meaningless...everything is meaningless

I just want to scream!

let it out, get it out, remove myself from it.

these walls are closing in and take the life out of each breathe. take, take take [why does everyone have to know what i'm doing?]

okay,so i'm having an authority problem..., but it's more like the absense of authority.

i've gotta get out of this place.
i'm so selfish...,but i just can't stand the odious stentch any longer.

it reeks..of fear, greed, hate, death.

lifeless...that is what this is. lifeless.

i've no manners in this world of mannerisms.

gave it away.

gave it away.

my time i mean. [my p eace of mind i mean.]

God, please grant me the power to hold on until the end.

2 more months ...and the bell tolls.

i need to stop thinking about myself so much.

Night Dreams

the gentle sound of raindrops [plink, plunk, plink, plunk]
........caressing my window panes/////

"come to my house and breathe"

sleep may now draw me in,

++wrap me up in its' peaceful blanket
[is this my conscious state of mind?]

"tidal waves of clearing skies"

He loves His children.

Free, we are set free.

Now we may be as ONE.